Morbid Reality

I've been having morbid thoughts. All of sudden, I started thinking about death and all that comes with it. The grief, of course. But the details are bothering me. What will my insurance cover? Where will I be buried? Do I want to be cremated? Are my finances in order? Will my debts be paid off? What will I do when my parents die? Do they have a will? Where do they want to be buried? What will I do with their property?

I've never really thought about this before. Well, I guess I've thought about it, but not to the point where I felt I really needed to take control of the situation. I think working in the news and seeing all of the unfortunate things that happen to innocent people made me realize that you really can "go" at any second. But that could never happen to me, right? Wrong. Anything can happen. A car crash. A house explosion. A plane crashing into a house, which scares me the most. Cancer. Childbirth. Anything.

I think I scared Pmo the other night because I came home rambling on and on about it. I was asking him what arrangements he would want when he died. He seemed half asleep and not interested, but he followed up with me the next day, bless his heart. I guess I should just read up on everything. See what exactly my life and mortgage insurance cover and if I need to "up" anything. Make sure to change my beneficiaries to Pmo when we get married. Decide what I want done after I die. I really don't know. I do know that I don't want to leave the matter up to other people. Because of the burden as well as my controlling nature. It's not that I have a lot of money or property. I just feel a bit unsettled knowing if I die tomorrow, no one will know what I wanted.

I'm not a worrier. I promise you. I can't stand people who worry about things all of the time that are out of their control. Like planes flying into houses, right? And I used to hate it when someone wanted me to call when I got home to make sure I made it. If you don't hear from me, it's good news. But the older I get, I do tend to get more concerned about things I didn't used to give much thought. Like, I haven't heard Pmo stirring around outside, I wonder if he's okay. Or, Bug's having trouble getting on and off the couch, is he on his last leg? And then there's my dad, who, in just a few years time, managed to break both his femur and his ankle on the same leg by doing outdoor activities he's done all of his life and never gave a second thought about. Those are two phone calls I don't ever want to get again.

But the moral of my story is you can't sit around worrying about these things like I'm doing right now. So I will prepare the best I can for myself and my family and go on with my life. That's what I'm going to do. I think.