“The way I look at it, in everyone’s life there’s a certain amount of shit. And in the last year, things have turned out pretty shitty. So logically, mathematically even, it’s got to be time for something not shit.” --Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason
That statement very well describes my feelings at the end of 2005. No doubt the worst year of my life. I wish I could go back and erase it. But I can’t. I can only joke about it, learn from it, and move on.
In the spring of 2005, my dad lost his job. My mom called to tell me the news. Over the phone, I could see the tears in her eyes and feel the fear in her voice. It was a scary thing in their single income household. And I’m an only child so I had no one to share the burden. He was out of work for several weeks, but eventually got things straightened out and was hired back by the company for a different job with less pay. And due to the recent economic downturn, he’s also getting less hours now but hopefully things will pick back up next year.
In the summer of 2005, I discovered my then husband was having an affair. So on top of worrying about my mom and dad, I now had an emotional black hole to emerge out of every day. I tried going to a counselor. I tried reading books. I tried praying. I tried everything I could but in the end, I just couldn’t live with it and, try as I might, I definitely couldn‘t change it. But I did live with it for several months. And I honestly don’t know how people do it for longer than that and function. Some people endure infidelity all of their lives. I am not one of them. I was in a constant, puffy eyed state, a hot mess on the verge of tears. It’s a hell of a way to live, and I’m so glad it’s behind me.
In the fall of 2005, my cousin died in a car accident. He was just a year older than me and the whole family took it very hard. He had some problems and was on the verge of getting his act together, and then this happened. It was a tragic event but I think it brought us all closer together in the end. I miss him.
The year ended pretty much the way it began. My dad fell and broke his leg, and was once again out of commission. He still got paid for disability, or whatever insurance term you want to use, but now there were medical bills piling up on top of normal bills. With everything else that had happened that year, and keep in mind at this point I’m still dealing day in and day out with my husband’s affair, it was the last straw. To quote another movie, how much more shit can we pile on top of this heap? -- My Cousin Vinny.
I’m writing this now because I’m about to enter 2010: a new decade and 5 years removed from the year of shit. And I’m very happy. I think things have gotten better every day since 2005 ended and they’re pretty damn good right now. I still have my bad days and meltdowns, but I’m nowhere near where I was then. I can smile. I can laugh. I can have a good time without the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m so lucky. So blessed. And so grateful that 2005 is becoming a distant memory.