Ambi-Kid

I’d have to say I’m pretty ambivalent when it comes to most things. Perhaps this is why a career in news suits me because I can see both sides of the story. But I even fell into that because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life.

I don’t have any real political views. You probably won’t ever see me marching on Washington or protesting property taxes. I don’t have any stance on immigration or gun control. I’m not really pro-choice or pro-life. Though the older I get, I tend to lean pro-life even though I think women should have the right to choose. See? Can’t make up my mind.

The subject I’m most ambivalent about right now is whether to have children. I think many people believe I’m anti-kid. Which is not true. I love kids. I love my cousins’ kids. My friends’ kids. I’m “friends with toddlers” as one of my girlfriends puts it. I’ve just never had a maternal urge or felt I had to do something about that biological clock.

I always assumed I would get married and have children. But there was never a real plan for that, much like my career. College was definitely a goal, even had my sights set on a master’s degree in…something. But by the time I got to that 4th year of higher learning, I’d had enough of school. Marriage happened, so did divorce. Then marriage again. But the kids thing has somehow always been put on the back burner.

I’m about to turn 33. So the baby vibe is all around me. Friends, family, neighbors…seems like everyone is procreating. I’m not saying there’s peer pressure or anything, but there must be something in the water, you know? Still, I’m not sure it’s for me.

On one hand, having a baby would change my life forever…
On the other hand, having a baby would change my life forever!

See, for the first time (in a long time) I’m pretty content. I’ve got a good job and a great relationship. I still see my friends from high school and college. I travel. I stay pretty busy. And who knows what is on the horizon? I’m perfectly happy sans kids. But I don’t want to have any regrets. I don’t want to look back and see I missed out on such a special experience. And, in essence, a contribution to the world. A legacy. Something we would always share.

Since neither one of us feels strongly on the subject, we don’t have a real problem. It would be an issue if I was the wife who *had* to have children and would go to great lengths to do so, and my husband was totally against it. But that's not the case. I also would rather be happy with the love of my life and not have kids, then settle for my second choice and have a family.

I guess what it boils down to is I’m afraid of rocking the boat. I fear what having a baby would do to our relationship. Our free time. My body. My mental state. ‘Cause there’s no going back. It’s not like adopting a puppy that pees on the carpet and you send it back to the pound. Though I probably wouldn’t do that to a dog. Plus, let's face it: we’re not getting any younger. So a decision must be made.

I’ll have to keep wrestling with it until something or someone persuades me one way or the other. But obviously I'm not easily persuaded. I would pray about it, but I’m not very religious either. I just wish for once I had a strong opinion. Maybe I do. I just don’t want to accept it yet.